That’s my hundred-dollar question there.
I have always battled with low self-esteem, so much to the point of bad anxiety attacks that render me in a low place. I think it got worse when I was a teenager. (go figure, huh? Teenager, who knew?) I constantly endured smart Aleck attacks from other teens and get this (a teacher) at one point in my teens. However, some of these things still haunt me, and work on my self-esteem. The one thing that really stands out to me is: Teenagers don’t allow you to forget the mistakes OR the embarrassing moments. To my notice, teenagers LOVE to mention the things that get you down, and chase it with, “Aw, I’m just kidding you.” or “No offense.” Thinking that it’s perfectly okay.
Sometimes I can’t go out into public without shaking. But that has gotten better over the years. But if I go on let’s say a trip to New York City? I almost have a conniption. I may not act like it, I can keep most of it bottled up, but on the inside I’m having a meltdown. Why? You may ask. My most feared thing about such is, I’m afraid to get embarrassed. Again, that’s gotten better over the years.
Let me get back onto subject here. For me being a writer and expect to make it somewhere someday with my writing… some days I just feel like my writing amounts up to nothing. I know writers battle this often, even the ones without self-esteem issues. But come on, I think it’s doubled on me…sometimes. (Pssst, I think I’m going to stay away from book reviews.)
Is this the wrong line of work/hobby to go into?
But then, even if it is the wrong line of whatever, I’d still do it, because I LOVE writing. In some ways, writing helps me battle my low self-esteem issues. I can express myself through my characters, step out and do something new through them. Heck, sometimes the characters inspire me to be better because I made them be what I want to be (in some ways, just depends on the character).
For instance, I used to never hold up for myself as a kid and teenager, I’d let ANYONE walk all over me. I just smile and allow them to do whatever, because I was afraid of someone hating me.
If you have ever read any of my work, you’d see I always have a tough character, guy or a girl one. When I get a focus on their character, I kind of bring them into my own persona, and claim that gutsy they have. I, now, don’t take crap off from anyone because of that. So I battled that self-esteem issue, and probably have caused another issue on myself: blind rage. But anyways, another problem for another day.
So let me get to the point here: I don’t care if it’s a wrong line of work or hobby. Writing is something that I enjoy, it’s my art, it’s my breath, and it’s my therapy. I’m sure if I didn’t start writing, I’d still be battling more self-esteem issues.